- Holiday is almost over. On monday i gotta go back to class. And i don't feel well.
No, i am not sick. I just don't feel well. Exams are coming in two weeks time. I am not ready. But i don't know what is to be ready. I don't know what they expect me to do, how they expect me to perform. I am not sure. I started studying, revising, reading my notes, understanding given articles. But, I am still not sure. -

- I was surrounded by 17 people. Everyone was laughing, joking, exchanging stories, catching up with one another. I understood what they said, or did not I? I followed their stories, or did not I? Everyone seems swimming comfortably, enjoying each others' company. Me, I was drowning not far from them. Maybe because I did not try to swim or save myself. But nobody seems to notice that, that I was sinking every minute among them.
I wanted to be there. I did. I wanted to celebrate new year with people. Having fun. Drinking. Eating. Talking. Laughing. Dancing away. So, did I do all that? I apparently did. But there was just something not right. I did not feel right. I felt, i dunno, misplaced. I was oceaned with people, partying, but somehow I just did not want to be there. I wanted to leave so bad. --

- I have never missed my family so bad before. But now I do. I really do. --

- What will you do after you finish your Masters? The golden question often fired at me. And sadly I gotta answer by "I dunno" most of the time. Eventhough in my head I have the answers, whether they are certain or not, it's my problem. I was imagining beautiful things, disastrous things, grown-up things. I imagined myself working or not, whatever. I pictured my wedding day. I pictured my life in the next 5 years, hoping so much there will be pierre-louis as my beloved loving husband and father of my child/children. I pictured sweet and bitter things of my life happening after France. The next chapter will be what? I have no idea. But I want it to be simple and happy. --

-- But somehow I'm scared. All the "what-if"s keep coming into my head.