I am sad today. I am depressed. I am emotional. I have been crying the whole nite last nite. I am alone at home rite now and it doesn't help at all.
I cant believe I miss my graduation day today, which happens exactly now, Sunday in KLCC. It's not wearing the robe and the hat and all that, it's the get together, being reunited with all my classmates again. Meeting them again after almost a year, laughing, sharing stories, telling the latest news, bla bla bla...
I cant be a part of that. I cant be amongs my best friends to celebrate this day and laff our hearts out. U guys have no idea how jealous and sad I was when I heard everyone is coming and u all gonna be spending time together, catching the good old days....drinking, outing, gossiping, dining....
Then i started thinking, what am I doin here? All alone in Paris, instead of enjoying myself with them in KL. Why did i come so early? Why didn't I wait for the gradz day then only i leave? All these questions had been haunting me so much these few days, specially today.
I start asking myself, will my days will be better when i start college? Will i make new friends? Will i be able to adapt myself with the rest of the classmates? Will they like me? Will they find me weird? Will they talk to me? Will they help me with class projects and assigments or they will juz ignore me and talk about me behind my back?
It's not healthy to think too much abt it i know; but I cant help myself. I am scared. I am worried. I keep thinking of the worst things. I should juz stay positive. I should consider myself lucky hafin the oppurtunity that probably some one else would love to have it so much but could not have it. I should be thankful to be here, opening myself to a new world and learning things ive never learnt before, seeing new things, speaking a new language that many people wish to speak it, explore the country which many people wish to go to.
Many people said it's so cool, so nice, so jealous-ing, so envy-ing hearing that I'm in France now to study. And I always say to myself that it's not as nice as u guys might think. But then again, maybe i should start thinking so. I should start thinking that I am lucky, I should start thinking twice before to complain about small small things, I should start being thankful for what I have now, having to live with a nice family who takes care of me very well, having a boyfriend who put me above anything in his life and never stop to make me happy and make sure im always safe. having parents who support me till the end, financially and spiritually, cuz I know I dont cost cheap, for sure!!
I am jealous of my friends some times who already have jobs and earning their own living. And me, I'm still stuck here, studying. SIGH....... But how many times I heard people around me saying how happy and great it is to study or to already completed their masters. And I heard so many of my friends finding working life is not as fun as college life, its pressuring, its stressful, its tiring and bla bla bla.... So..I guess i juz have to absorb the best aspects in life, no?!
Well, I think i juz have to think twice before complaining about small little things. Now that I am here, I should start embracing the great opportunities coming ahead of me. I am in France to study, and i have the chance to improve my french, the language which everyone wishes to be able to speak, the country which is a cliché dreams of most people to visit. There are many great things here in France, there are soooo many interesting people here, God knows which origins they are from. There are so much more freedom to express urself here. U can dress up as u like, different from everybody else, u can put different colors of eye-shadows on each eyelid, u can wear a transparent blouse that ur bras almost totally visible without ANYBODY staring weirdly at u, judging u, wishpering about u or even giving those freaky horny stare.
And imagine all those traveling I can do here during holidays!! I have always wanted to backpack around europe and visit at least half of European countries. HAHA!! I wanna learn how to ski, to snow board (if i dont start screaming like a crazy asian tourist), to swim in mediterranean sea, to see tree leaves turning reddish brown in autumn and even Egypt and Marrocco is only 3 hrs away by plane!! How cool!!
So, what am I complaining about?? Well, im totally agree with Miss Ee May who said that life is juz like a blank white canvas, it's up to us to paint it colorful or colorless and to draw beautiful things on it.
5 comments:
*hugs* At least u know how lucky you are and not taking anything for granted. Your in a foreign country, hardly know anyone, its natural to feel tht way. Take care, you will be ok in time ;0)
Hey Ditz!!!
You'll be fine! I promise...just think of "Almost French".
She did have a smooth sail as well at all. She battled so much.
And me too here. Two months in and I'm still struggling.
But that's the only way we learn, i guess!??
And next time in life you'll turn back and be so ABSOLUTELY proud of yourself for stepping out of your comfort zone and going into unchartered waters.
Love you ditz! and i still think of you here and laugh about everything we laughed about!!!! Hehehehehe!
Miss you and I'll be praying for you!
She did NOT have a smooth sail...I mean. Hehe.
hey guys... im in malaysia and im struggling as well.. haha. maybe not in the same way but just sum other stuff la. mayeb in ten years we cud all meet again. siiting in gourmadines and enjoying latte laughing about all the crap that we did...
Dita, this is the 1st time I am reading ur blog and I can see u r having a hard time at the moment. It's completely natural to feel the way you're feeling now... I feel the exact same way everytime I move to a new country, even when I went back to JKT after leaving in KL for 2 years while JKT is actually my REAL hometown. I have family, I have childhood friends here, I speak the language... yet I was having a hard time adjusting to my new life. Coming back home to my parents (while in KL I had all the freedom in the world!), having my parents dissaprove of my relationship with the guy I deeply loved (you know who!) and having to find a job as a fresh grad! I almost killed myself at one point, that's how stressed I was! My life was finally back on track after a while- found a job in a Bank & not long after my relationship with Arnaud ended, which brought me and my mum a lot closer. I cant say my life is wonderful now, being a banker is one of the worst jobs I tell you! I'm stressed to the max just like you are... but I try to see the positive sides. It's because I work in a bank that I become knowledgeable about diff types of investment and I actually make money out of my knowledge. I am my family's private financial advisor, told them to invest in this stock/index/commodity/forex (the things I thought I could never be friends with! Finance man!), and helped them maximize their wealth...One day when I have enough money I will do so for myself, and no one can fool me! It's the same with you Dita. If you weren't living in France, you wouldnt be able to improve your French, you wouldnt be able to experience how open minded and free spirited people are in Europe as compared to Asia, you wouldn't be able to back pack. During the worst of times, we must look at the positive sides. Even though I'm 100% sure about wanting to leave my current job, I have no regrets. I take it as a learning process...And even though my relationship ended in an ugly term, I have no regret either. Still havent been in another serious relationship since, but I am now more mature and I know what kind of guy would be best for me... Hang in there, make the best out of your days, and you'll be fine in no time! You'll be surprised to see how fluent your French is, and how warm your classmates are... Only time can prove you my point. Meanwhile, stay positive. Big Hugs!
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